You Lost Me, by David Kinnaman

Chapter Eight

1.  Let’s get right to it. Sexuality is one of the greatest expressions of God’s creativity and of his intention for human flourishing. It is also confounding and confusing to teenagers and young adults on their spiritual journeys. Marriage and childbearing, if they happen, are coming later in life for most young adults— but sex is in the picture earlier than ever. Among many of those with a Christian background, the perception is that the church is out of step with the times. Many, though not all, view the church as repressive— controlling, joyless, and stern when it comes to sex, sexuality, and sexual expectations. On the other hand, many are also dissatisfied with the wider culture’s pressure on them to adopt lax sexual attitudes and behaviors. They feel torn between the false purity of traditionalism and the empty permissiveness of their peers.

- As we begin our review, how does this description compare with your perception of today’s attitudes and behaviors regarding sex?

2.  While few young Christians admit that their sex life specifically caused them to drop out, many perceive the church and the faith to be repressive. One-fourth of young adults with a Christian background said they do not want to follow all the church’s rules (25%). One-fifth described wanting more freedom in life and not finding it in church (21%). One-sixth indicated they have made mistakes and feel judged in church because of them (17%). And one-eighth said they feel as if they have to live a “double life” between their faith and their real life (12%). Two-fifths of young Catholics say the church is “out of date” on these matters (40%). Add it all up, and millions of young Christians feel torn between two ways of understanding and experiencing sex.

- How do these categories and percentages apply to persons you know in this age group?  Why might they feel this way?

3.  Christian teens and young adults are caught between two narratives about sexuality. The first we will call traditionalism and the second individualism. The traditionalist view can best be summed up this way: Sex? What sex? The new narrative, which has come to define our broader Western culture, is that of the individualist: Sex is about me. In the individualist narrative, sexuality is about personal satisfaction.

- How is each of these groups defined… first, by themselves; and second, by each other?

4.  The changing narrative of sexuality, like the other areas we’ve explored in this book, has been shaped in the next generation by the three A’s, covered in depth in chapter 2. Young people have grown up with unprecedented access to sexual content via the Internet, television, movies, music, and video games, which have brought sexuality into their lives earlier and more easily than was true for previous generations. Their alienation from formative relationships (especially from absent fathers) has created a host of emotional issues, many of which are manifested in their sexual decision making. And their suspicion of authority, inherited from their Boomer predecessors, invites them to dismiss “old-fashioned” traditions without wondering first whether they might be healthy and life-giving.

- To what degree have you witnessed the effects of these three A’s?

5.  The unsustainable tension between the traditionalist and individualist views has led to profound cognitive and behavioral dissonance in the next generation of believers. Young Christians hold more conservative beliefs about sexuality than the broader culture (for example, that one should wait until marriage to have sex, that homosexuality is not consistent with Christian discipleship, and so on). Yet their sexual behavior is just as libertine as non-Christians in most ways. In other words, they think in traditionalist terms, but most young Christians act like individualists.

- Does this result surprise you?  Why or why not?

6.  We need a new mind to cultivate a deeper, more holistic, more Christ-filled ethic of sex. Neither traditionalism nor individualism is working— nor are they biblical. Most of us sense this, but what can we do? We need to rediscover the relational narrative of sexuality. Sex is about selflessness, not primarily about self. It is about serving, not only about personal pleasure. It is about God’s creativity intersecting human action, not our personal identity and self-expression. Rather than saying that sex is taboo (traditionalist) or that sex is about me (individualist), the relational approach to sexuality says, sex is good and it is about us.

- Considering this “relational” approach, how is sex “good” and why is it “about us?” 

You Lost Me, by David Kinnaman

Chapter Seven

1. Science has come to dominate and define our collective culture. Today’s teens and twentysomethings have been even more profoundly influenced by these developments than previous generations. From their earliest days, science and technology have had a hand in nearly every area of their lives—from food production and distribution to medical treatment, from computers at home and in the classroom to easy and affordable air travel.

- How is this generation’s worldview different from yours at that age?

2. One reason young Christians feel acutely the antagonism between their religion and science is that there is animosity on both sides - Western science has often seen itself as an opponent of faith. We could call this opposition “scientism,” the assumption that science has cornered the market on knowledge, and something can only be true if it can be tested by scientific methods. Unfortunately, scientism’s epistemology (theory of knowledge) has come to dominate our culture. “True” has come to mean “verifiable in the lab.”[48] For scientism, what is reasonable just is what is scientific. The number of atheists (many of whom affirm scientism) is disproportionately larger in higher education than in the culture at large, which means that many undergrads each year are unknowingly subjected to the false dichotomy of “faith versus reason.” On these and other grounds, the church has reason to feel antagonized by the scientific establishment.

- Where have you experienced or witnessed this antagonism?

3. I have interviewed scores of teens and young adults who are pursuing careers in science and I’ve also had occasion to meet many parents of students gifted in these areas. In the majority of cases, there is a deep sense of conflict within these young people—and sometimes with their parents—about staying faithful, given their interests and capabilities. In my observations, the nomad-scientist simply puts his or her faith involvement on the shelf, compartmentalizing spiritual pursuits away from career. The prodigal-scientist feels forced to choose his or her affinity for science over faith and may resent the church for “forcing” the choice. The exile-scientist attempts to reconcile competing narratives of a life of faith and the life of the mind.

- How conflict might be played with each of these three types?

4. Young adults who do find it difficult to keep their faith growing through college do so, I believe, because of relational, educational, and vocational gaps that were left unaddressed in the years prior to and during college. In other words, when students struggle in college, many times it is because the Christian community has not provided a sufficiently strong set of relationships, sense of purpose, or whole-life coaching. This is particularly true in the lives of science-minded students. We should not assume that the tough questions of a hostile professor are at the root of lost faith. Rather in many instances, I believe the Christian community has failed to disciple its science-inclined students to become responsible, intelligent, capable, resourceful, and faithful followers of Christ. We need to do a better job stewarding the intellect of this generation.

- What new opportunities to “steward the intellect” await us?

5. If how the church has responded to and interacted with science is a problem, what needs to change? What should be the response of the Christian community to a science-dominated culture? I believe that people of faith have a responsibility and an opportunity to speak positively and prophetically to issues of science, rather than responding out of hostility or ignorance. We must work together to offer a viable, respectful Christian voice to our culture’s collective dialogue about stem cell research, cloning, animal testing, pharmaceuticals, technology’s impact on the human brain and soul, cosmetic and elective surgery and beauty enhancement, nutrition, agriculture, weapons and military technologies, and many other matters of science and ethics. This will not be easy—the learning curve will be steep for many of us—yet if we desire to steward the next generation for faithful service, we must tackle this complex challenge.

- Where is the church most challenged to speak positively/prophetically?

6. Here are some ways we might become credible, trustworthy partners in dialogue with the scientific community:

- More Science, Not Less

- Scientific Apprentices

- Good Thinking

- Humble Disagreement

- History Lessons

- Review and discuss each of these strategies.

You Lost Me, by David Kinnaman

Chapter Six

1. This type of shallow faith that most Christian young people embrace does not require the nurture of a faith community to thrive. Certainly, it is not a holistic way of life that demands we die to ourselves for the sake of Christ. And while it is indeed easier than following Jesus, I believe this uniquely American take on faith among young Christians is a core reason so many of them are disengaging from church to become nomads or prodigals.

- Is “shallowness” the new normal?  Why do we accept this so easily?

2. All this leads to a faith that lacks one essential ingredient: humility. If you already know all there is to know, if you’ve been told your entire life that you’re “just right” exactly the way you are, if the main job of the god you believe in is to make you feel good about yourself (because you’re entitled to great self-esteem, along with everything else), then there are not a lot of compelling reasons to sit in the dirt at the feet of Jesus and live the humble life of a disciple. To follow Jesus, young adults in the next generation— just like the generations before them— will have to learn humility.

- From whom will they learn it? When they look at us, do they see humble servants and eager students of the Master?

3. I suggested earlier in this book that we have a mass-production approach to faith development. Taking our cues from public education, among other sectors of society, we have created a conveyor belt of development that industrializes the soul formation of young people— who eventually become adults with inch-deep, mile-wide faith.

A second way our communities of faith contribute to shallow faith is by failing to provide meaningful rituals— or, when rituals exist, failing to provide a clear sense of their meaning and importance.

A third problem found in many churches and families is expecting too little of the next generation.

A fourth practice that contributes to shallow faith is the fact that many of our youth ministries fixate on numbers of attendees rather than measuring spiritual growth and transformation. We emphasize quantity over quality.

- Review and discuss each of these contributors to shallowness of faith.

4. We must rethink what it means to “make disciples” (Matt. 28: 19) in a context of massive, compounded cultural change (access, alienation, and skepticism of authority). I believe we need to change from an industrialized, mass-production, public-education approach and embrace the messy adventure of relationship. We need a new set of ideas and practices based on apprenticeship.

- Review these three potential areas below for deepening faith:

A. Millions of young Christians, represented by those in our survey, admit that they have been frustrated with their faith because “God seems missing from my experience of church.” In a related critique, many students point out the gaps between the miracles and faith-fueled exploits described in the Bible and the flat, lifeless experience of church in today’s world. If people who want to meet God are not meeting him in church, we need to consider why this is and how we can make a different experience possible.

B. This generation wants and needs truth, not spiritual soft-serve. According to our findings, churches too often provide lightweight teaching instead of rich knowledge that leads to wisdom. This is a generation hungry for substantive answers to life’s biggest questions, particularly in a time when there are untold ways to access information about what to do. What’s missing— and where the Christian community must come in— is addressing how and why.

C. Another way we can cultivate apprentice-like training for the next generation goes to the very heart of apprenticeship— finding what young people are gifted for and called to do, and doing all we can to nurture that calling. Most youth ministers and volunteers have some sense that this is important and do the best they can. But I believe young people need a much clearer, definitive, objective, and directional approach to finding their calling in Christ’s body. This is not likely to happen through a simple weekly message. It’s a whole mindset that needs to pervade our faith communities.

- Jesus has commanded us to make disciples. In obedience to that call, how might we better help young people answer their callings?

You Lost Me, by David Kinnaman

Chapter Five

1. Protectiveness has become a way of life in our culture— and an argument can be made that much of it is, on balance, a good thing. No one wants his or her child playing with a toy coated in harmful substances or mistreated by an unqualified childcare worker. But it should not surprise us that our culture’s obsession with safety has shaped two generations of Boomer and Buster parents who are deeply risk-averse when it comes to their kids. Is it possible that our cultural fixation on safety and protectiveness has also had a profound effect on the church’s ability to disciple the next generation of Christians? Are we preparing them for a life of risk, adventure, and service to God— a God who asks that they lay down their lives for his kingdom? Or are we churning out safe, compliant Christian kids who are either chomping at the bit to get free or huddling in the basement playing World of Warcraft for hours on end, terrified to step out of doors?

Here are some of the criticisms that young Christians and former Christians level at the church:

- Christians demonize everything outside of the church.

- Christians are afraid of pop culture, especially its movies and music.

- Christians maintain a false separation of sacred and secular.

- Christians do not want to deal with the complexity or reality of the world.

The risks of overprotectiveness include:

- Alternate thrills

- Failure to launch

- Paralyzing self-doubt

- Loss of creatives

- Review and discuss each of these criticisms and risks.

2. Yet this hopeful potential in the next generation also comes with a number of very real challenges. An aspiration to influence culture begs the question of how to embody in-but-not-of faithfulness, and how to deal with the poison pill of cultural accommodation that the pull toward mainstream influence makes available. Let me put it this way: gaining credibility for its own sake is vanity; gaining credibility to participate in God’s work to redeem his world is a mission. I am concerned that too many Mosaic Christians are so interested in pursuing the good, the true, and the beautiful that they forget to acknowledge and draw near to the source of those pursuits— Jesus. The church must help the next generation live into the difference, by turning our overprotectiveness into discernment.

Here are some examples:

- Overprotectiveness characterizes everything that is not Christian as evil. Discernment helps young people understand that other people are not our enemies, but that there is fundamental brokenness in humans and an adversary who intends to derail us in every possible way.

- Overprotectiveness makes strict rules about media consumption to “save the kids from smut.” It avoids watching, reading, and talking about current events and pop culture in the hope that they will just go away.

Discernment reads “the Bible and the newspaper,” in theologian Karl Barth’s famous formulation (we might update this to “the Bible and the Internet”). Unless we choose to live in secluded Christian community— which is a viable option for only a few— exposure to media-driven culture is inevitable. Rather than steering clear of secular films, music, websites, books, and television shows, let’s watch, listen, and read together and do “cultural exegesis” as a faithful community.

- Overprotectiveness oversimplifies the tough stuff of life— suffering, failure, relationships— and offers formulas instead of honest, contextualized answers. Discernment is transparent about the hazards of being human and teaches the full witness of Scripture, which is messy, complex, and, ultimately, wonderfully true.

- Overprotectiveness discourages risk taking and uses fear to “protect” the next generation. Discernment guides young people to trust God fearlessly and follow Christ in the power of the Spirit, even at the risk of their lives, reputations, and worldly success.

- Overprotectiveness tries to convince young people that the only (or best) way to serve God is by working in a church, parish, Christian nonprofit, or mission field. Discernment recognizes that there is no difference between sacred jobs and secular professions. Yes, we need called and prepared young people to serve as priests, pastors, evangelists, and missionaries. But we also need to affirm the powerful sentiment captured by Dutch theologian and politician Abraham Kuyper: “Oh, no single piece of our mental world is to be hermetically sealed off from the rest, and there is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: ‘Mine!’”

- Overprotectiveness paints a false picture of reality that hurts young people much more in the long run than honesty would in the short run. Many teens and young adults have been told they can be, do, and have anything they want— only to find the “real world” not quite so obliging. Discernment develops a robust theology of calling that recognizes each person’s unique purpose and gifting as nothing less (or more) than what God has ordained. Let’s recognize that the Holy Spirit has plans for the next generation that are bigger than what they can dream for themselves, and let’s make it our business to tune their hearts to hear his voice, not just ours.

- Along with the author’s input, discuss the risks of:

Following Christ; parenting; cultural influence; and holiness.