You Lost Me, by David Kinnaman

Chapter Three & Four

1. Here are some characteristics of the nomadic mindset:

- They still describe themselves as Christian. They have not disavowed Christianity but are no longer particularly committed to their faith or especially to churchgoing.

- They believe that personal involvement in a Christian community is optional. They see going to church or being with Christian friends for spiritual purposes as options, not requirements.

- The importance of faith has faded. They admit that Christianity was more important to them at some point in their past. If they describe it as important, it is on their own terms. About one-quarter (24 percent) of the young Christians we interviewed say they may be willing to return to church later in life, but it’s not particularly urgent to them.

- Most are not angry or hostile toward Christianity. They tend to find their personal history with the faith amusing, or perhaps distressing, but they are not generally angry about their past. Frustrated and disillusioned, yes— especially with Christians. Hostile, no.

- Many are spiritual experimentalists. Nomads find meaning and spiritual stimulation from a variety of activities in their lives, which sometimes include trying on other religious experiences for size.

- Review each of these 5 characteristics and share examples.

2. Here are some characteristics of the prodigal mindset:

- They feel varying levels of resentment toward Christians/Christianity. Many still have positive things to say about specific people (such as their parents), but the overall tenor of their perceptions is negative.

- They have disavowed returning to church. They feel deeply wounded by their church experience and do not plan to ever go back.

- They have moved on from Christianity. Prodigals describe themselves as “over” Christianity, saying it just does not make sense to them. Their spiritual needs, such as they sense them, are being met elsewhere.

- Their regrets, if they have them, usually center on their parents. In other words, they recognize that their faith choices have made a significant impact on their parents yet they feel as though they were compelled to de-convert.

- They feel as if they have broken out of constraints. Many prodigals feel that the Christianity they experienced kept them stuck in a box or demanded that they become someone other than their true self. They experience leaving as freedom.

- Review each of these 5 characteristics and share examples.

3. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of young exiles and their perspectives about the faith.

- Exiles are not inclined toward being separate from “the world.”

Exiles want their faith to matter. One-third of young Christians (32 percent) identified with the statement, “I want to find a way to follow Jesus that connects with the world I live in.” They long for their spiritual lives to be connected, to be whole, and to make sense.

- They are skeptical of institutions, but not wholly disengaged from them. Even while they sense God at work outside of church, not all are post-institutional in their faith. Just one-fifth of young Christians (21 percent) say that the institutional church is a difficult place for them to live out their faith. Many young exiles are infrequent participants in conventional faith expression, such as regularly attending a church worship service, but most of them remain connected in some way to a faith community.

- Young exiles sense God moving “outside the walls of the church.”

This was among the most common views of any we assessed in our research— God is moving outside the church and exiles wanted to be a part of it. As Ryan’s story at the beginning of this chapter illustrates, many young people want to participate in ministry outside of conventional forms of Christian community. We explore their perceptions more fully in later chapters, but in a nutshell, exiles are dissatisfied with a church that is a weekend event, not a movement of God’s people on mission for Christ.

- They are not disillusioned with tradition; they are frustrated with slick or shallow expressions of religion. In some of our research, we discovered a common theme to be “I want to be part of a Christian community that is more than a performance one day a week.” Similarly, a frequently expressed sentiment was they “want a more traditional faith, rather than a hip version of Christianity.”

- Exiles express a mix of concern and optimism for their peers.

This generation is certainly self-centered but they are also very communal and peer-oriented. A related concern is the feeling of loss many young Christians reported about their peers. Many described being very concerned about seeing so many of their generation leaving the church.

- They have not found faith to be instructive to their calling or gifts.

One of the recurring themes in our research with young exiles is the idea that Christianity does not have much, if anything, to say about their chosen profession or field. The ways career and calling connect to faith and church community seem to be missing pieces in the puzzle for many young exiles.

- They struggle when other Christians question their motives.

A final characteristic of these young exiles is that their fellow Christians - particularly older believers - frequently have a hard time relating to their choices and concerns. This can be the young person’s parents, but often is the friends of parents or other well-meaning Christians who can’t get their head around their unique calling. In fact, many times these young exiles end up staying under the radar, as both fellow Christians and nonbelievers often misunderstand their faith and their calling.

- Review each of these 7 characteristics and share examples.