Chapter Eight
1. Let’s get right to
it. Sexuality is one of the greatest expressions of God’s creativity and of his
intention for human flourishing. It is also confounding and confusing to
teenagers and young adults on their spiritual journeys. Marriage and
childbearing, if they happen, are coming later in life for most young adults—
but sex is in the picture earlier than ever. Among many of those with a
Christian background, the perception is that the church is out of step with the
times. Many, though not all, view the church as repressive— controlling,
joyless, and stern when it comes to sex, sexuality, and sexual expectations. On
the other hand, many are also dissatisfied with the wider culture’s pressure on
them to adopt lax sexual attitudes and behaviors. They feel torn between the
false purity of traditionalism and the empty permissiveness of their peers.
- As we begin our
review, how does this description compare with your perception of today’s
attitudes and behaviors regarding sex?
2. While few young
Christians admit that their sex life specifically caused them to drop out, many
perceive the church and the faith to be repressive. One-fourth of young adults
with a Christian background said they do not want to follow all the church’s rules
(25%).
One-fifth described wanting more freedom in life and not finding it in church (21%).
One-sixth indicated they have made mistakes and feel judged in church because
of them (17%). And one-eighth said they feel as if they have to live a
“double life” between their faith and their real life (12%). Two-fifths of
young Catholics say the church is “out of date” on these matters (40%).
Add it all up, and millions of young Christians feel torn between two
ways of understanding and experiencing sex.
- How do these
categories and percentages apply to persons you know in this age group? Why might they feel this way?
3. Christian teens and
young adults are caught between two narratives about sexuality. The first we
will call traditionalism and the
second individualism. The
traditionalist view can best be summed up this way: Sex? What sex? The new narrative, which has come to define our
broader Western culture, is that of the individualist: Sex is about me. In the individualist narrative, sexuality is
about personal satisfaction.
- How is each of these
groups defined… first, by themselves; and second, by each other?
4. The changing
narrative of sexuality, like the other areas we’ve explored in this book, has
been shaped in the next generation by the three A’s, covered in depth in
chapter 2. Young people have grown up with unprecedented access to sexual content via the Internet, television, movies,
music, and video games, which have brought sexuality into their lives earlier
and more easily than was true for previous generations. Their alienation from formative relationships
(especially from absent fathers) has created a host of emotional issues, many
of which are manifested in their sexual decision making. And their suspicion of
authority, inherited from their
Boomer predecessors, invites them to dismiss “old-fashioned” traditions without
wondering first whether they might be healthy and life-giving.
- To what degree have
you witnessed the effects of these three A’s?
5. The unsustainable
tension between the traditionalist
and individualist views has led to
profound cognitive and behavioral dissonance in the next generation of
believers. Young Christians hold more conservative beliefs about sexuality than
the broader culture (for example, that one should wait until marriage to have
sex, that homosexuality is not consistent with Christian discipleship, and so
on). Yet their sexual behavior is just as libertine as non-Christians in most
ways. In other words, they think in
traditionalist terms, but most young Christians act like individualists.
- Does this result
surprise you? Why or why not?
6. We need a new mind to cultivate a
deeper, more holistic, more Christ-filled ethic of sex. Neither traditionalism nor individualism is working— nor are they biblical. Most of us sense
this, but what can we do? We need to rediscover the relational narrative of sexuality. Sex is about selflessness, not
primarily about self. It is about serving, not only about personal pleasure. It
is about God’s creativity intersecting human action, not our personal identity
and self-expression. Rather than saying that sex is taboo (traditionalist) or that sex is about me (individualist), the relational approach to
sexuality says, sex is good and it is
about us.
- Considering this “relational”
approach, how is sex “good” and why is it “about us?”
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